JemmaHill

I wish I felt safe with my children. Both are under three, and I am unable to take care of them by myself. I have never bathed them without supervision, incase I have a seizure, and this means my fiancee has to stay at home as my carer, which has put immense strain on our relationship. Every time he has to nip to the shops, there lurks in the back of my mind the fear of what would happen should I have a fit. Mine are controlled well enough that they only happen approximately once a fortnight, but this is still enough to pose a risk. I can remember one occasion when my eldest had not long started walking, when visiting my in-laws. I was, briefly, alone in the house with my son (then my only child), and had a bad aura. Knowing a seizure was coming, I had to carefully pin my son to the sofa with my body before I went limp (my seizures are non-convulsive) so that he could not hurt himself while I was unable to respond. At the time, I had gone over a month without seizures and hoped this was a breakthrough, but no more. Mostly, though, I wish I didn't have to put my children through the trauma of watching me fit. Countless times I have heard my son calling to me through the haze of semi-consciousness that my fits leave me in, telling me to "wake up, mummy", and it breaks my heart, more so now that the neurologist has told me that trying harder to control my fits could simply make it worse. It makes me feel like a failure of a mother - what mother cannot be there for her children all the time? What mother lies on the floor, helpless, while her infant son drags over a blanket and nudges her, asking her to get up and stop sleeping? The only thing worse than losing consciousness around your children is losing control of your body but remaining somewhat aware. Hearing the distress but being powerless to change it. I wish my family did not have to experience that. More than anything.