Years and years I have suffered with the condition of epilepsy, it took for my own mum to track down the medication called melatonin and make doctors listen and it worked for the rest of my teens and the early stages of my twenties. The doctors put me in different types of clinics, one I remember was a sleep clinic I was used as an experiment in the eyes of me and many others. Melatonin worked for so long being completely fit free able to live a normal life until three years ago that’s when things started changing and changing.
I thought it will never get that bad unless I stopped tegretol and I didn’t stop, I listened and continued taking it even though it was not working 100%. I knew my illness epilepsy could not get any worse, that was not until that week when I was rush to hospital twice having seizures that I could not control but also feeling every part of a seizure which I never thought could happen to me, with knowing what types I suffer with, but the seizures had changed to none epileptic seizures as well as epileptic seizures such as partial seizures, jerks, sleep seizures and absences. The days I was in hospital I was having the seizures all day both times, like running and running with no breaks and my heart was pounding so fast I thought that was it, I was in and out of them thinking is this it, will I be lucky this time.
I have tried living my life because of my parents support but unfortunately doctors have always somehow not helped, I was left with a learning disability due to my seizures, memory problems regards to my short-term memory and now mental health is at risk every day and that is not how I wanted to live my life.
I have always been a go getter with pushing through performing arts, re doing all of my GCSES after not gaining any at school, going to college, going to University to get a BA and doing an MA at another University In writing and working in the states teaching dance to children and working with children with disabilities pushing their abilities into creativity. Now I have reach breaking pointe not knowing if I am coming or going, not knowing what will happen, I am left unable to work in my field no longer, having people to be around me in case I go, unable to sleep unless someone is in the room and even then, I have bad nights where I can’t sleep because of the seizures and have to force myself to stay awake. I have listened to the doctors going on this new medication, cutting things out of my life, even got anxiety stones to help, tried meditation when I’m falling into one, stopped my line of work, stopped drinking and socialising and cut down on coffee to near enough stop altogether, tried positivity thoughts but nothing!
The light at the end of that tunnel is getting further apart as time has gone on and when I was in hospital I was left pretty much disabled all over unable to eat drink, change and go to the loo, my dignity has gone but my desire to find a cure is stronger than ever. I have now found it harder to live but I shalt give up on finding a cure, I shall go traveling and I shall search and search so not just me but people all over the world with my condition can live normal life’s like everyone else and shall no longer live in fear of what ifs! I will succeed I have pushed myself with education, with my condition and work and I have always been brought up with the words “anything is possible if you put your mind to it” these words I have been brought up with are wise by my parents and I shall get my life back and I shall believe in life again!